Cherishing the Now: Navigating Anticipatory Grief

Mortality is a common denominator of being human, and this awareness, even subconsciously, impacts our responses to life experiences. In the 10 years before my grandma died, she had several trips to the hospital with conditions serious enough that I would think that it was ‘the end.’ Each time, I would cry, mentally preparing myself, steeling myself to the idea of her passing. The fear and anguish I experienced was deep and painful. When grandma would get better, albeit a little weaker each time, the relief that we had more time together was palpable.

Years later, I learned that what I experienced was a thing called anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief refers to the grief process experienced by family and friends before the death of a loved one. Anticipating the expected pain of the loss and riding a rollercoaster of emotions. This person is loved so much that the idea that they won’t be physically a part of life is deeply painful. Anticipatory grief can also happen without a catalyst, such as a life-limiting diagnosis or a trip to the hospital. It can happen through loving someone so deeply that the mind goes to the “what-if worries” rather than staying with the joy in the moment.

At the beginning of my anticipatory grief journey, I wrote this journal entry:

When I wrote this, I had no idea that life’s winding path would lead me to where I am today. Researching, teaching, and talking to people about grief. Looking back, I can see that the prolonged experience of anticipatory grief has shaped me into someone who deeply values life’s simple moments. I try not to leave anything unsaid – especially telling people how much I love them and all the things that I appreciate about them. Although I had 10 years to say ‘goodbye’ to my grandma, I also know that no day is promised to any of us; we never know when the ‘last time’ is the last time we will see that person or experience that thing.

Grief is a difficult experience, both for the person going through it and those around them. Many people try to avoid discussing it, but caregivers often have to confront it head-on. This can be a daunting task, particularly if they are caring for someone they know personally. The following quote by Rosalynn Carter highlights the universal aspect of caregiving:

“There are only four kinds of people in the world––those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.”

– Rosalynn Carter

I have experience as a caregiver (I now prefer the term care partner). I have provided care for both personal and professional reasons, and I currently help care for my chosen mom. I know that in the future, I will also need care. I am curious to know which category you fall into today. If you are currently a care partner, you might be experiencing anticipatory grief, just like I did (and am experiencing again). But you might also be experiencing grief due to other factors. In my research, I found that women who provided care to their mothers talked about the grief they experienced because of the role shift from daughter to care partner (Skaar, 2021). In another interview, a couple shared with me their experience of grief related to a disability one of them experienced as a result of a stroke. Their retirement dreams and plans changed drastically, and they mourned the loss of independence as well as the loss of their vision for the future.

The aspects of grief related to providing care are as diverse as the individuals and the dynamics in each relationship. To begin to understand your own experiences of grief, remember the word ACE. This stands for Aware, Curious, and Explore.

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